Snooping… Causing myself more issues…

June 18, 2010 at 6:01 am (Uncategorized)

Ok so I’m still being bad and checking up on him. Found some stuff that is of course now bothering me. Why do I keep doing this to myself??? I can’t blame him for this… This is allllllllll me. I just haven’t been able to give it up yet…

What I found:
1. Apparently things aren’t going well w him n his new love. He redid his POF profile n mentioned something about not wanting to be used. Phone record shows hangups n them not answering each other. Coulda told u that would happen

2. Scary part. He’s messaging Rachel a LOT. She so desperate to be w someone n he knows that. I wouldnt doubt him to go after her just so he’s not alone. Do I talk to her? I hafta let her know about him. N to tell her she’s out of the groups n not welcome around if she starts dating him. I can’t let him back in my circle of friends in any form.

3. Redid his profile n using a pic w me in it. Really?

And c.. This is where I tell myself that I should not care about any of it!!!!!!!!

When does that happen??

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Bleh… So tired of it all…

June 18, 2010 at 5:45 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Daily Goings On:
So been a busy couple of days. Me n my BFF had some fun. Went to a bike clinic on Tue nite. Finally learned how to change my own tire n lube the chain. Go me lol. Now I don’t need to depend on a boy to do it for me 🙂 then we went back to her place n watched the last two episode of Greys we’ve been putting off… All in all a good nite.

And last nite my BFF goes n surprises me w an early bday present… Dinner at Ichiban n tix to c Chicago at the Bob Carr!!! Had a really good time though thoughts of him kept popping in my head since I was there not too long ago w him. Hate that. Shaunda joked n said that since the boy in our life suck, we can just be each others dates for now 🙂

How R Things Going:
So past couple of days been feeling a little stronger. Barely any tears n can focus a tiny bit better. But today. Today was a bad day. Today I packed for my hash campout trip to NC/SC and am at this moment lying in bed at another hashers house who’s letting us me and FeFu-a friend) crash here til morning. And all I can think about all day was how we were planning this trip together. So I cried for most of the packing part n then again on the trip up here (poor Kris!). I just feel like I’d be having more fun if it was me n him doing this trip (no offense Kris) and it makes me miss him so much.

I wrote an email to my support newsgroup and the responses were good. One person reminded me that it woul have just been drama filled (true, always was). Another that I just need to let myself grieve and feel the loss n that it’s normal. Another that the fun times I remember were not real for him. And another reminded me that the reason I feel such loss and miss him is because he made me his whole life and he molded me to him in such a way that now it’s hard to be without him. All true stuff and all good thoughts for me to think of.

Here’s my letter to them:

Hi everyone,

So sorry I’ve been MIA. Been so emotional about everything lately. Found myself crying twice as much reading the posts here. Everyone’s stories and experiences are so similar and heartbreaking. Even with all of the wonderful words of encouragement and sanity from u guys, i just found myself getting sadder reading some of them so had to take a little break. So I apologize if I haven’t responded to some of you yet. And now I’m just having issues in trying to catch up! Lol.

Did anyone else ever find they feel that way at times?

And today’s yet another struggle making myself not contact him. I’m on my way to a camping weekend in NC and spent the morning packing and crying my eyes out cause we had planned this trip to do together. But I’m still going even though I feel miserable about it and don’t really want to now. Maybe I’ll meet a cute boy to cheer me up lol.

I just can’t seem to stop missing him and thinking about the good times we shared. They did exist even though they were always surrounded by such dark, bad times. I really feel messed up that I can’t just let it go, let him go.

But Monday was 4 weeks since I’ve seen him and going to stick w it… For my own sanity and my future. Though it really really bites the big one.

I’m just so sad all the time, even though I’m still doing a lot of activities and hanging out w friends. It feels like I’m just going thru the motions, like I’m just a shell of myself, completely hollow inside. And i can seem to focus on anything anymore… Or remember things im supposed to do. Like my head and memory are all scrambled. I am a very happy and fun person, always laughing and smiling…. Im a queen of multitasking at both work and my pwrsonal life. Its my gift being able to juggle 1,000 things at once really really well. And I just can’t feel any of that at all right now. I’m so tired of it! It’s making me concerned that I might really be depressed, u know, the real kind, and that scares me. I don’t want to fall down that hole of sadness any further. If I do, I’m not sure I’ll get out 😦

Just feel like I’m going to be alone forever and sometimes wonder if he was possibly the best I’ll ever be able to find. I know that is a crappy thought but it’s still there.

Is this normal, any of it? I mean I do feel some improvement. I’m not crying 24/7. I just had a couple days w very little tears even though I think about him every day still but it’s an improvement non the less!

I just wish it could have all been different… That he couldve been different. We really did click when it came to his good side. It’s just so sad to me. It has always been so hard for me to find someone I clicked w. And really? It had to be a BPD guy? really?Is someone up there just laughing at me? Sometimes I wish I could just atop feeling anything for awhile. I’d take nothing over feeling like this…

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Today marks 4 weeks… wow…

June 15, 2010 at 3:16 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

Yup. It was 4 weeks ago tonite that I wrote that goodbye letter. 4 whole weeks. Can’t believe it. Haven’t seen him in a whole month. Odd.

Well today was an ok feeling day. Was a bit numb about things. Concentration was a little better today. Actually could focus on the things I needed to do for Shaunda (my best friend). Felt a little production for the first time in weeks. Guess that’s a good thing.

Still was missing him today but if felt a little different, like I was just a little more distant than I have been from it all. I’m hoping that means that it’s a start to me starting to close that door a little more. I know that once I can get myself to move on, I start to forget the good stuff and stop thinking about them… I hope that comes sooner rather than later… i know, i’m impatient but I just want this to be done with already.

My goal right now is to not respond the next time he contacts me. I’ve been sucking at that, getting pulled into communication. Going to test my reserve and see if i can pull it off. Will be hard, I know, but really want to do it. Need to do it I think, just to prove to myself that I can.

Was talking to Lesia today about John and what I missed and really, all I miss is the friendship and companionship. When I think about my time with him, I couldn’t think of one outing or trip we did that he didn’t ruin in one form or another. I want to be with someone that I don’t have to worry about every time we go out, that he’s going to either flip out or get stupid drunk or make out with someone. I want normal!!!

Also found out that him and his new girl made up. It bugged me only a little today though. Honestly, she’s not better than me (even though I feel like she is sometimes). And now she has to deal with all the shit I used to deal with. She’s the one who has to cry the tears and talk through the crap on the phone and listen to his weak apologies. I don’t anymore. Kinda like that thought 🙂

Woke up this morning round 7am feeling like complete crap. So went back to bed and didn’t wake up til 1030am. Made me worry I was coming down with something so took a couple aspirin, blasted my sad music and took a shower even though I didn’t need to, hoping it would make me feel better. Cried just a little in the shower today.

And not sure what’s up with me and my sleeping. Toss and turn all night, have weird or sad dreams all the time… so over it. Just want one night of good sleep.

Went to Walgreens to get my BC pills on the way to her house and low and behold, they didn’t have my pills ready. Apparently they were in Ocala somewhere lol. So got stuck sitting there for 30 mins waiting for them to refill it. Nothing like wasted time when you already overslept lol.

After I left Shaunda’s went to check out a new property for her, post her signage. Was a nice house in Avalon. Stupid me forgot my to-go bag at home so had to stop at CVS for some tape. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached these days it seems.

Then headed home to grab Lesia and change for the Mosquito County Hash. Started over in Red Bug Lake park. Sucky trail… nice beginning but the last 2 miles were straightaways on 2 main roads. Bleh. But nice nite out. Sticky as usual but there was a good breeze.

So all in all a basic kind of day. Not much craziness.

One thing out of the ordinary. I guess my Dad told my brother about mu situation so Mr helpful calls and says that for $500 a month I can rent a room out from him if I want to. lol. like that’s for me. He just wants to help himself out that’s all. He needs the money. It’s the first time I’ve heard from him in over a year. It definitely wasn’t out of thoughts or concern for me. What an ass.

Oh!! I did finalize my travel plans to go and visit Robert & Jeanne for my birthday. They are so excited! Can’t wait to see them, though I know they’re going to try to convince me to move over there with them. Robert is offering me a job working for him. But salary is only $50K area. Little low for me. Plus the job is doing something a little different than what I want. Plus still trying to figure out if Real Estate is something i can make a go of… So hard to figure out… life. Not sure what the right choice or path is right now. So many major decisions and have no direction on which is the way to go. Can’t the universe just throw me a clue somewhere?????

Oh and Mike, Robert & Jeanne’s friend. Yea, he’s excited I’m coming too. Makes me look forward to the trip even more. Always had a bit of a crush on him but either he or I were in relationships everytime we saw each other. THIS time we’ll both be single… who knows? lol. I know R & J both think he’s a player… and they’re his good friends. But I think he might genuinely like me… guess we’ll see!

And forgot to mention this yesterday but that guy Frank that I dated from POF, yea he did another no-show for our plans last nite yet again. I had it so I tried to call him. He texted me claiming his phone fell into water so he couldn’t talk. Whatever. This guy is either a huge liar or has the worst luck in the entire world! I’m leaning towards the former. So I basically told him I’m tired of this and that if he wants to date me, he’s going to have to put in a lot more effort and prove to me that he really wants to or I’m outta here. Plus he needs to promise not to cancel on me like that again. Well he promised to both so I guess we’ll see where things go. I’m not holding my breath.

So gonna try to go to bed early… we’ll see if that happens. Night world!

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June 14, 2010 at 4:09 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

So, blogging… about my life… hmmmm, guess we’ll see how this goes lol.

Ok, so why am I here? Well I am currently going through Transition out of a relationship with a boyfriend with BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. What this means is that the last 14 months of my life have been an emotional roller coaster of super, super highs in between really horrible lows as I found the emotional and physical abuse of this man-child. It was suggested to me that I start a journal about my experience and how things are going in my life as part of the healing process so this is my attempt at that being the techno-geek that I am 🙂

Where things are right now: It’s been almost a month since I told him goodbye and I’m still a mess about it. I fear that I’ve gone into the realm of real depression and I’m worried I’m only getting worse. He did a real number on my self esteem and confidence. I feel like a shadow of myself and me, who’s usually a bubbly happy person is finding it hard to smile which, if you knew me, is hard to believe (yea, i kinda smile all the time).

Today was a rough one. Went camping last night with friends and drank too much. Hate myself for it but I apparently drunk-texted my ex. Just said something like I would always be here if he needed me… well ok, so the spelling was a lot worse than that lol 🙂 And then I apparently passed out. I understand why I sent it… I was camping at a place we had camped out early in our relationship and a lot of memories flooded over me all day and night. So I can see why I broke down… that and the alcohol lol. Well I woke up in the morning to a text that said, “U must b drunk again and knowing i am having relationship issue.” WTF. Ok, so my bad for the text. Should haven’t done it. (Yes, I WILL be giving my phone to a friend to lock in the car when I go out drinking from now on lol) But holy crap, did he really need to text me that? Like I need or want to know he’s having issues (like that even surprises me). AND do I really need to know that he’s already in a relationship less than 4 weeks after I ended things?!?! I was so mad. So I didn’t another stupid thing and texted him back, first that I was sorry I sent my text but that that was a mean thing to tell me. He responded that he was just joking about the relationship thing.

Ok, first, I doubt that he was joking. He probably is having issues and needed to just get it out or something. And partly, it made me feel better knowing this. But I know that he’ll hoover her back in… that’s what he does, sucks you back in with apologies and promises and loving words and touches.

And ok, I’ll be totally honest here… Was debating that but I’m thinking without full disclosure, I might not really see if this thing works. I already did know he was having relationship issues. You see I do an awful thing… I log into his phone acct every once in awhile (it’s how I found out he was seeing her when we were still hanging out) and I saw him trying to call her and her sister about 3 dozen times over Friday and Saturday and just getting their voicemail (shows up as a 1 min call). Now, before you think horribly of me, I know this is wrong. But I just haven’t been able to ween myself off. I’m getting better with it and only doing it once in awhile but when I saw what was happening, I got addicted to checking to see what was happening. I know, I know, this is sooooo not helping me get over him but i just can’t seem to let it go. Ok, so it’s still horrible of me to do 😦

And now this afternoon I see that they’re talking again which is as I expected, though I hoped that she got a clue unlike I did in the beginning. Just means the next time will be harder for her to cut him off. I know from experience. Each rage it was more difficult to not want to fix things or go back to him or forgive him, until he had complete control and no doubt that I would come back every time. I put up no boundaries or limits and let him take control… a VERY bad move to do with someone with BPD.

And this BPD stuff…. what I would have done to find a name for what’s wrong for him while I was with him. Not sure if it would have changed things but really would have loved to see. You see, after writing him my goodbye letter, the next day was really tough so I went online looking for support groups. Somehow I ended up on this site which not only had online support groups for me to talk to others BUT gave me this unbelievable list of traits of BPD and how to know I was with someone with BPD. Well this list… it was my life the past 14 months to a tee!!! What an epiphany!  To find that there actually was a reason for him being the way he was! It wasn’t all my fault (what he made me believe). It really wasn’t my fault.

So I joined the email groups, and could not believe my eyes. Here were hundreds of people dealing with exactly the same thing I was with their BPD partners/family members/friends. All the same stories, same experiences, same everyone. I was flabbergasted.  Every email made me cry but they also opened my eyes to what my story really was, what it was that I was dealing with. I think it really did save my mind.

For those interested, below is a list of the signs you’re with a BPD that saved me.

Well that’s the quick review of what this is all about. I’m sure I’ll bring up more as we go along but that’s a good start.

Talked To My Dad:
I talked to my Dad for the first time tonite in a very, very, very long time. And I couldn’t stop crying as I told him about my experiences and how I was feeling and how low my life felt right now. We had a really really good conversation. He was so understanding and patient listening to me. I also told him about losing my job… my big secret and instead of grilling me, he said all the right things. God I love that man. My Dad is such a wonderful man, really, truly. Here’s the follow up email I got from him:

Sorry to cut you short…I had to pee!

I think very highly of you and all you’ve accomplished without much help from your mother and me. I just wish you could see the great kid that I do.    O.K., “WOMAN”!!!!!

You’ll find that better job and the special person will follow. Stop worrying so much.

If you need it, we have the guest room for you. Then, you and I can watch old “House” episodes together! ( : What, no smile?

Seriously, you need to feel better about yourself and believe that tomorrow is going to be better. I wish that I had your education and experience, I wouldn’t be sitting here now.

I don’t know what else to say, without sounding like a soap-opera! If you were here, I’d give you some Jello.

Sleep well tonight.
Love, Dad.

See, told ya.
This afternoon I ended up going to a movie with Ann… The A-Team. Good movie but just so distracted and sad today. And I was snippy with Ann. Ok, so she was moody first but normally I just smile and say something to get them to smile and make everything better. Not today… actually not in a long time now. Another thing he took from me that I have to find again. She ended up just going home after the movie, no thoughts to do dinner or anthing, not that I blame her. I’m so upset that a waiter actually asked me why i was so sad. Me. Miss happy go lucky. I’m just finding it so hard to smile at all these days…… WHERE IS ME?!?!?!?!?!?
Ok, so tired right now, going to try to sleep. Sleep’s been an elusive creative lately. I toss and turn, waking up all nite long or have bad dreams and always seem to wake up too soon. Just want one night of good solid sleep!
Is someone you care about causing you a great deal of pain? Are you coping with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder:
  • Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you’re afraid of the other person’s reaction or because it just doesn’t seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will follow? Has this become so automatic that you have a hard time even identifying what you think or feel?
  • Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells much of the time, and that no matter what you say or do, it will be twisted and used against you?
  • Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you? Are you blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship-even when it makes no logical sense?
  • Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages that make no logical sense, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving? Does no one believe you when you explain that this is going on?
  • Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or even lied to sometimes? Do you feel like you’re the victim of emotional blackmail?
  • Do you feel like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between? Is there sometimes no rational reason for the switch? Wishing that the person would act like they used to, whjen they seemed to love you and think you were perfect and everything was wonderful?
  • Do you feel like the other person is like “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”? One moment a loving, caring person; another moment someone who seems so vicious you barely recognize them? Wondering which one is “real”? Hoping that it’s a phase that will go awa–but it doesn’t? Feeling like you’re on an emotional roller coaster with high highs (things are incredible, fantastic) and very low lows (feelins of despair, depression, grief for the relationship you though you had)?
  • Are you afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be told that you’re too demanding or that there is something wrong with you? Are you told that your needs are not important?
  • Is the person always putting down or denying your point of view? Plus, the other person often acts fine in front of other people, so no one believes you or understands when you explain what’s going on?
  • Do you feel that their expectations of you are constantly changing, so you can never do anything right? Feeling that nothing you do is ever right, and when  you do manage to do what the other person wants, suddenly they change their expectations? The rules keep changing, and no matter what you do, you can’t win? Feeling helpless and trapped?
  • Are you accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said? Do you feel misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain do you find that the other person doesn’t believe you?
  • Are you constantly being put down? When you try to leave the relationship does the other person try to prevent you from leaving in a variety of ways (anything from declarations of love and promises to change to implicit or explicit threats)?
  • Do you have a hard time planning anything (social engagements, etc.) because of the other person’s moodiness, impulsiveness, or unpredictability? Do you make excuses for their behavior or try to convince yourself that everything is okay?
  • Reading the above list and thinking, “I had no idea that anyone else was going through the same thing and that there is a name for this: Borderline Personality Disorder?”
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

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